Alone

Many people think the way I used to think, that being alone equals to being lonely and sad. Plus, we have Hollywood who teaches us in their romantic movies that a romantic partner “complete” us. Like if we were born missing a piece of another person, which we need to go out and find in order to be complete and therefore be happy. Hhmmm… I have come to discover so many things about myself during the moments I have spent ALONE with myself. Being alone is actually a blessing. It is the perfect time to get to know the most important person in the world…YOURSELF.

Why are we so scared to be alone? I used to be. I used to hate it! I always looked to call someone or went out with friends or even got into the wrong relationships in order to avoid being with myself. Every time I found myself alone, I would cry and thought I was miserable. How far was I from the truth? How blind was I not to actually appreciate my companionship! The moment I decided to spend time with ME and to actually listen to ME, was actually a moment of enlightenment.

There is so much beauty inside of us. Our uniqueness. Our creativity. Our believes. Even our mistakes, insecurities, and fears are there to teach us something. We need to dedicate time to get know ourselves and with the noise of our daily routines, the noise from other’s beliefs, the noise of the critiques, and all the distractions that surround us daily, it is impossible to listen to ourselves and to get to know who we really are. There’s always something to do. Work. Kids. A friend’s party. Laundry. Cleaning. Cooking. Augh! When can we get some rest, right? If we have time for everything and everyone, we also need to find time for ourselves, and I don’t mean for us to rest…I mean ALONE TIME. Time to be with our thoughts. Time to look inside ourselves and search for understanding. Time to self-evaluate. Time to heal. Time to forgive ourselves. Time to find a meaningful purpose for our lives.

The time you spend with yourself should be sacred. It should be a time in which you actively dedicate it to you; the same way you do with the people that you care for; you know when you cook a nice meal for your partner or for your visitors. When you plan and think the nice things you could do for them, well…do the same thing for YOU. Make yourself that nice meal. Drink that good wine. Play your favorite music and talk nicely to yourself. Have a date with you! Enjoy your company! Have conversations with yourself in which you search for meaning, healing, and understanding. Stop being so judgmental of everything you have done. Stop listening to the criticizing voice of your parents or friends or whoever is there to remind you of the “wrong” things you’ve done! Because those things stay in our heads repeating and replaying. What I suggest is to shut down all that shit and focus on having a nice moment with yourself. This will be the beginning of a journey.

When I created Empowered-Selflove was because I did this “Alone Time” with myself and thought… “the best way to empower myself is by loving myself completely”. It all came from those moments with myself. It all came when I found the value of learning who I truly am (and when I silent the voices of everyone else who thought they knew me). I started loving myself more and started enjoying being me with ME, as well as with everyone else. I started hating the depressed version of myself (because being depressed was the norm for me) and I started to love the beauty of my worth and of my uniqueness. When I say it was enlightening… I mean it! I decided that being alone was no longer going to be a bad thing, but instead an opportunity for my growth. I decided to get to know me. It was a journey. Sometimes it was painful (because I went deep in search of truth) but through the painful process I was also able to enjoy the beauty of the process. When you understand EVERYTHING from your life, then you end up realizing that all those things that you did “wrong” are only yours. They are yours not to carry as faults, but as lessons and steppingstones. You become stronger from your understanding. You are then able to forgive others and mostly yourself. That moment is empowering! It belongs to you.

I really encourage everyone to find at least a day every week or every other week to be alone with themselves. I encourage everyone to search for knowledge and focus on the self-growth and the self-evaluation. I encourage you to actually chat with yourself and get to know who you are. You will find out many things about yourself that you will come to understand, to love, and to forgive. Allow yourself this opportunity to be enlightened by your won beauty. Allow yourself the opportunity to fall in love with yourself. Allow yourself to enjoy your own company. I guarantee that you will become empowered and feel complete with who you are.

Time

The good things in life, the ones we get to appreciate the most…take time! Only time can give us healing. Only time can give us enough experiences to learn and to grow. Only time can give us understanding. Time can give us the success we have been working on. Some things in life will only come to us after being patient… it is only a matter of time. Time will always give us the answers we are looking for. Time is necessary for everything that we do, even from the simplest thing like cooking a meal to other more complicated ones as becoming a doctor.

The message here is that time is necessary and important. We cannot skip it! We shouldn’t get desperate about waiting. If you have not found the partner you visualized of having at your current age, it is OK. Let time take care of it. Has it even crossed your mind that the person who is meant to be with you also needs time? Time to heal, time to learn, time to grow, time to reach certain goals before meeting you or before being ready to be in a committed relationship.

The same goes for those who are working on developing their businesses. You don’t build a business from one day to the other. It requires planning, dedication, hard work, sacrifices…and TIME! How about those who wait for the next Marvel movie to come out? (I am one of them!) Well, guess what…it takes time! If you want quality in anything that you wish to have, you need to dedicate time to it.

Sometimes I get frustrated because my plans don’t go accordingly as I planned them, however, everything I have accomplished required time. Things don’t happen just by wishful thinking! We need to work on them! It has taken me time to grow professionally, and I still need to continue to grow…which means…MORE TIME! More waiting… It took me over 7 years to have the credit score I currently have. It took me about 15-16 years to be in the financial situation that I am currently at (and I aspire to be in a completely different one in the next 5 years). It required time AND sacrifice! Acquiring my bachelor’s degree actually took me 7 years! Why? Not because I was lazy, but because I dropped out after 3 years (with 85 credits), and when I decided to retake where I had left off (almost 7 years after), I had to start from scratch! That meant it took me the entire 4 years, from that point, to acquire that degree. But…I did it and I feel proud of my accomplishment. I finish at the right time for ME, because it is not about the time that society establishes; it is about the time when WE are ready to do whatever it is we wish to do.

Everyone’s time is different. We should not be so judgmental of someone else’s progress. Some take longer to complete a degree. Some don’t even complete the degree but become successful entrepreneurs. Some take longer in overcoming their losses. Others take longer in deciding whether to leave the job or to buy the house or to plan their financial future. Your time is yours.

In time I have learned that the most valuable things are the ones we get to work hard on acquiring. So let time work for you. Don’t get frustrated. Remember that a baby can barely move when they are born and with time, they become people like you and me. So don’t despair! Be patient…and enjoy the journey at your own pace. Live the NOW at your fullest and let time take care of tomorrow.

Boundaries

In my past blogs I have covered subjects related to relationships in every aspect (personally and professionally), but most of them all are related to ways to prioritize ourselves and therefore love ourselves. I have learned that setting boundaries is the best example of self-love. This is something my last therapist taught me. She made me realize that I had never or barely established boundaries in my relationships and therefore, most of the people in my life did not respect me nor truly appreciated me. I was basically a YES person! I would accept other people’s mistreatment; even though they made me feel uncomfortable. Since I know how bad it feels to be treated wrong, it is not in my nature to be conflictive in order to avoid making feel others uncomfortable. However, that approach only affected me.

When you are a YES person, who set no boundaries, people take advantage of you. People think they can tell you ANYTHING regardless of how they make you feel. How come it is OK for others to make me feel uncomfortable and it is not OK for me to speak up and express my discomfort? I don’t know if this has ever happened to you…but it is very funny to see how a person can basically insult me or disrespect me, and while I take it, they continue to be friends with me or be part of my life. However, when I have put a stop, they get offended and defensive. I came to realize that I am the only one at fault. Even though the mistreatment doesn’t come from me, I am at fault for never setting boundaries.

Setting boundaries is not an easy thing to do when you have accustomed everyone to say whatever they think they can say to you. As soon as you speak up, it will shock them, and it’ll seem like YOU are the one with a problem. Nobody really realizes that you simply had enough! Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be done in a mean way, but you must be firm in your response to other people’s disrespect. It might even hurt you, in the short term, but in the long run…people will know their limits and they will think before they speak. That is the result of teaching others how to treat you properly. They will start to respect the boundaries.

If you are a parent, like me, you know that sometimes it is painful to teach our children, but it is very necessary in order for them to learn how to behave and therefore become respectful and functional adults in the future. It is not fun to ground them. It is not fun to see them upset with you. But in the long run, they will learn self-control, respect, and consideration towards others. Letting things slide, won’t help your child become better. By nature, kids test you to see how far they can go and with how much they can get away with. The same thing applies to everyone you interact with. If you don’t establish boundaries from the beginning, later it would be difficult to do so. But guess what? It is better to set the boundaries later than never. It will be harder to make your point come across, but with consistency, you will be able to establish the necessary boundaries in order for others to respect you and not cross the line.

Professionally speaking this can also be applied. This is why companies have their set of rules and their Code of Conduct. However, we also need to be flexible…but flexibility can be a double edge sword. Because once you allow an inappropriate behaviour with one employee, the other employees will notice, and it will demoralize the entire staff. As a manager, if you are going to be flexible, you need to apply that flexibility equally to everyone. It is true that different people have different personal situations, but I am talking about behaviour and performance. For instance, if an employee is assigned to complete a task and he/she doesn’t finish it because of their lack of compromise, there must be consequences because otherwise, if you let it slide, the rest of the staff will assume that there won’t be consequences for their lack of professionalism and then it will become a problem.

It is important to establish boundaries between everyone we interact with because everyone will go as far as you allow them to. If anyone is disrespecting you, you DON’T have to allow it. You have a voice, and you should use it properly. I am not suggesting that you now go and start an argument with everyone! I am suggesting that if anyone crosses the line with their behaviour towards you, you say something to let them know that you are not in agreement with their treatment. If they think they are entitled to disrespect, diminish or mistreat you, you have to let them know that it is NOT OK. If they get mad…then that is a double standard. At the end of the day, setting boundaries is a way to let people know that you love yourself and even if you love another, you don’t have to allow them to make you feel uncomfortable.