Adversity

We all have a unique journey ahead of us. We all have a different way to learn and to absorb the experiences we have along our journey. For instance, I can be standing in front of the Grand Canyon and have you standing next to me, and we both will have a completely different experience, view, and perception of it. Why is that? Because we absorb what we are looking for. We search for different things to fill us up. I can even go again to visit the Grand Canyon (one year later) and my experience and perception can still be different from the one I had before. The same happens with adversity. We all experience it differently.

Based on the definition I found in Google, adversity is an “adverse or unfavorable fortune or fate; a condition marked by misfortune, calamity, or distress. An adverse or unfortunate event or circumstance.” In short, adversity is an unfortunate event or experience. However, even though we get to endure an unfavorable experience, we can gain so much from it as well. I believe that we get to build our strength and our character when we are faced with adverse moments. We are the ones who decide how to see these difficult experiences. We decide if we absorb the negativity of it all or if we find the lessons along the journey in order to grow in knowledge and strength.

It is inevitable to avoid adversity in our life, and it is also impossible to be able to predict it. Life is constantly surprising us with good and bad experiences. It depends on us and on how we react to adverse times; we get to choose to make things more difficult or to learn from the experience. For example, if you lose your job, you will for sure experience distress and multiple concerns as you cannot provide for yourself and/or your family. It is indeed an unfortunate event! In spite of it, you get to choose how you will react to the situation. You can either choose to dwell on the loss or act into learning from the experience and into searching for another job. You can even transform this misfortune into an opportunity to pursue a new career or new business endeavor. Your choice will determine your future results; these can be positive results or even a greater adversity.

Now, emotionally speaking, there are situations of adversity that can extremely affect our emotional state. An example of this is losing a loved one, because of the person’s passing. But to make it more adverse, the death of this loved one was unexpected and was an extremely tragic event. We often get to question ourselves: “Why this had to happen to my loved one? Why do God allow these types of misfortunes? Why me? Why him/her?” All of these are normal human questions. I have made them myself in multiple occasions… I have lost loved ones tragically too. However, I always get to a dead end as far of this way of thinking. Nobody will ever provide me an answer for these questions. There are things we don’t have the capacity or the logic to understand; but they still happen. They hurt. Certain losses can truly break us and bring us down. But I decided to see things differently. If I focus on the misfortune, I will suffer and I won’t have answers to these questions, but if I focus on my history and the time I was able to spend with my loved one, I am able to be appreciative of having that person in my life. I can smile again and relive moments, more in depth and from my memories. I can decide to be more appreciative with the people I still have in my life and build many happy moments now for me and for them. There is something that will always be inevitable and that is that we will all leave this world one day…we will all die. It doesn’t matter how or when, what matters is what we leave behind in people’s hearts and the memories we build. With the experience of pain, adversity, and loss I decided to choose appreciation on the NOW rather than dwell on the sadness of the loss. It is not always easy, it doesn’t take away the feelings of loss and sadness, but it adds value to the relationship I had with the person I lost, and it can serve as a lesson for me to add value to the relationships I currently have.

Adversity will always be there in our lives. It is inevitable. But don’t focus on seeing things in the worse way. Don’t settle to attach yourself to the losses or the pain. Instead, try to change the perspective and find peace with every experience. Look for the lessons. Look for growth and improvement. Become more appreciative of the things you have NOW and treasure the beautiful moments from the past. You have the power to allow adversity to take you into a dark place or transform the darkness into appreciation; into love; into growth. Falling is normal, we will all fall, and we’ll fall MANY times along our journey in this life, but it is up to us if we stay down or if we wish to learn and become a stronger, as well as becoming a better version of ourselves, by transforming the adversity into an experience of growth.

Trust

Would you be able to trust someone who failed you or lied to you? It is very hard to continue to trust someone who’s character failed to prove that they can be trustworthy. Like the quote says: “trust is like a mirror, once it’s broken, even if you fix it, the reflection will never be the same”.

I know I am not a perfect person; I have lied and I have failed others; but for the past years I have focused myself on improving and by saying that, I imply improving in all the areas I have made mistakes. It means analyzing myself, understanding the reasons why I acted a certain way, and therefore learning and growing in order to avoid making the same mistakes again in the future. However, when I have disappointed someone, that person usually does not trust me again, or at least it requires a lot of effort from my end in order to regain that person’s trust. But I do understand the standpoint of whoever I have hurt or failed.

We are all entitled to make mistakes. It is part of life and of being human. However, the actions we take after making a mistake, after failing, disappointing, or after hurting someone, will determine your character and your interest in amending the pain or hurt caused. For example, if you made a mistake at work and your superiors noticed, they will always be on the “lookout” to see if you’ll make the same mistake again. You can only regain their trust after a long time of proving that the mistake has never been repeated. The same happens in relationships. It doesn’t matter which relationship it is, whether it is with a friend, a romantic partner, a family member…if you broke a promise or if you failed in your role inside that relationship, the other person would find it hard to trust you again. The only way to regain people’s trust is by being humble and accepting that you made a mistake; you’ll need to prove yourself again…maybe many times.

Your words always need to align with your actions. You cannot say: “I’m sorry! I never meant to hurt you” and then act again in ways that will hurt the other person repeatedly. You cannot pretend and act like nothing happened when you know you have caused pain and hurt…the other person will never trust you. That “mirror” has been broken!

For instance, how can you trust a partner that cheated on you? To be honest, I really don’t know if I personally could trust a cheater, because as the saying goes “once a cheater, always a cheater”, but I do think there could be exceptions to this particular matter. If the mistake was legitimate and the person realized and truly regrets it, then it is different. I think that this would only apply to an isolated occasion. But if the person is caught cheating with multiple and different people, then that is a problem in the person’s character…I personally don’t think I could trust a cheater with that kind of problem. I could forgive, but never trust…and forgiving is not to accept the wrongdoing.

Professionally speaking, if you are constantly failing in your areas of responsibility at work it creates a precedent that would equal to distrust you as a team member, because it is related to your character as a professional and therefore it won’t be functional to keep a person in a team with a character problem like this. However, if suddenly a person begins to lack and fail in his/her responsibilities it could be due to more deepened issues that perhaps requires your intervention and support. There is always an exception to the rules. Listening and understanding is always important when it comes to trust.

In order to be a person that others can trust you need to show that you truly care for others. You need to connect with other people’s needs and interests. Trust goes hand-in-hand with actions. Make sure that your words and your actions don’t contradict among each other.

Focus

We so often focus on the negative things that we encounter in life: the loss, the pain, the failures. However, we are losing site of the many blessings that surround us. It has become a habit to focus on the negative and that is something that needs to be stopped. But it is a habit that it is VERY difficult to break.

I work on this matter daily. I try to always find a lesson on every difficulty and every experience I have. But I do that because I decided I wanted to work on myself-improvement. Because I got tired of feeling sad and sorry for myself. I have to tell you that it has been the best thing I have done for myself but also a much difficult one.

Sometimes we experience certain things in life that are unbearably painful, and we still need to wake up, get the kids ready, feed them, feed yourself, and carry the pain with you along (with make-up on your face so nobody notices that you are actually falling apart on the inside). I think to myself “I’m such a fraud, because if anyone truly knew how I’m feeling, they will sit next to me and cry along with me” …but thinking like that is not going to make my day any better, neither will it take away my burdens. Thinking like that is not going to get me out of the sadness. The only way to get out of the sadness is to change the focus. Instead, I think: “I’m so brave! Look at how many things I accomplished today even though I feel like shit!”. It is really not about what I’m hiding, it is about the strength I carry myself with in order to function, in order to avoid others to get concern, in order to work and make a living, in order to be able to feed my kids (and myself) and help my youngest with his school assignments or simply listen to my daughter’s issues (even though she thinks I don’t listen!) and offer realistic and optimistic solutions to them (something I should try on doing for myself more often).

Is it easy? NO!!! It is VERY difficult! It is difficult to feel broken and still put on a smile. It is difficult to feel empty and still try to find something new to be grateful for on a daily basis. But I can guarantee one thing… THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR! Whether it is the morning coffee or the sunlight, or the view from your window, or the paycheck, or a kiss from my son (which is always magical), or an exciting event my daughter wants to share with me that happened on her day (which makes me happy because of her excitement). All of those blessings ARE what I need to focus my mind into.

We constantly let these little great things slide because we are so focused on the ones we miss or don’t have. We fall in the habit of focusing on the negative thoughts that attack our minds. Thoughts that are there to fill us up with worries and destructive feelings of unworthiness. Instead, look for the blessings and lessons that life puts in front of you. If things are not going well at your job, perhaps it is because it is time for you to change your approach, perhaps it is time for a new professional experience, and this is the way life is letting you know that IT IS TIME TO MAKE A CHANGE (because otherwise you will stay stuck where you are). If you are in love with someone and for whatever reason you can’t be with that person, focus on the love that you DO have, from friends, family, and in my case, my children. Perhaps you need more growth and healing (or the other person is the one that does) in order to be able to love each other freely in the future. Perhaps that is not the correct person for you and life is taking him/her away from your life because you deserve better. Perhaps it is not the right time, and it is a matter of being patient. Whatever the reason, just try to focus on becoming a better version of yourself. If you become better, love will find its way to you.

Maybe you are going through a divorce, maybe you’re struggling financially, maybe you are trying to conceive and it hasn’t happened yet, maybe you lost a loved one, maybe you are struggling with a disease. We all experience loss and pain in different ways. Each of us have our own journey and struggles. However, even though we are going through hell, we can still look for something beautiful around us. The best way is to change the focus from the negative and pessimistic point of view, to a more positive and hopeful one. From every experience we are facing that is bringing us down, there is a lesson and a reason behind it.

There are always blessings surrounding us, we just need to focus ourselves on finding those little blessings that can turn a “shitty” day into a better day. Just go day by day. Close your eyes, breathe, and feel the peace… That is the way to reload and re-focus. You can do this! Just breathe and look farther away from the closed door that you keep focusing on looking and therefore missing the amazing view from the window that is next to it.